It’s been a long time since I felt the need to write a blog. I’ve always used it to write down thoughts, but the past few months I’ve had few constructive thoughts. That’s counterproductive.
Yesterday I had my sixth annual check-up. I didn’t expect any problems, but in the run-up to the diagnosis in 2019 I didn’t have any complaints either. The thought You never know therefore always stays in the back of my mind.
In recent years I started to get a little nervous in the week before the check-up, but this time it was different. That wasn’t necessarily positive, because I was mainly distracted by world politics. My situation pales in comparison, because I’m really worried about the state of the world. My husband had taken time off work on his own initiative and although I don’t think that’s necessary, I do really like it when he comes with me to the hospital for results. Because You never know. On the day itself I wanted positive distraction, so we made a fun day out. The nice weather was a gift!
I found a nice restaurant online near the hospital, Volkslust de Vuursche Steeg, just opened four days ago, right next to the woods of an estate. We arrived there around noon and were ahead of the crowds. The sun was shining brightly, guests were sitting on the terrace and we found a nice spot inside. The novelty radiated from everywhere, also from the young and inexperienced, but friendly service. There was no map with table numbers shared or menu explained to them yet, so when it got busier it was a bit chaotic at times. By then we had had a delicious lunch and we enjoyed the cozy ‘barn house style’ with the beautiful, solid oak construction and atmospheric interior.
After lunch we walked in the adjacent forest, across the soft, bouncy paths, surrounded by the wonderful forest scent, with lots of bird sounds around us, including a woodpecker hammering. I always find it a special and reassuring thought that nature just keeps going, no matter what.
We got back in the car and ten minutes later we arrived at the hospital. In the parking lot I saw a woman sitting very calmly in a wheelchair, while her husband was busy getting the car ready to transport her. I immediately understood that she had just had an operation and found it an intense scene, the way they were both sort of struggling in their own way and I asked if we could help.
We could, but then I found it difficult; up close I saw all the tubes of wound drains and asked which side she had had the operation on, so that I could support her on the ‘good’ side. She said that she had had the operation on both sides and then I honestly said that I hardly dared to touch her, because I didn’t want to hurt her.
She was clearly weakened, but was able to get up and get in the car. She had difficulty with her arm movements and the only thing I could do was fastening her seat belt. We wished them lots of strength and luck and took the wheelchair back in the hospital. Only afterwards did I realise that she had had chemo, because of her bald head, and that I have no idea what her story is and what her chances are… I really hope for them that it will be okay.
I also realised once again how lucky I am.
Once inside the hospital, I didn’t have to wait long for my mammogram. The lab technician did her utmost to get all five clips in my left breast in the picture. She adjusted the height of the device, and with one hand under my breast and the other around my back, she took three runs with me to the device (“One… two… three… yes!”) and then clamped and flattened everything. Twice on the left and twice on the right. Breathtaking! I was still sore that evening because I had stood so tightly against the device with my still very sensitive, irradiated ribs. But all five clips were there and she was satisfied.
Half an hour later, we received the liberating result from my surgeon. Everything looked good on the photos and that was confirmed by the physical check. The relief was great and that feeling of “YES!” becomes more convincing every year! After a few more questions back and forth, we quickly got back to the order of the day and that made my moment of happiness pale a little. The situation in the world also worries my surgeon a lot.
I simply cannot understand what people do to each other and that it is reality that a small group of narcissists and sociopaths has so much power over the whole of humanity. Pain and hatred. I just feel regret and shame for the generation of our children…
And in the meantime there are people who fight for their lives on a completely different, individual level. It exists side by side, but is of a completely different order, pain and love.
So much respect for the latter group.