Today is the last day of October Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Due to the special worldwide attention for breast cancer this month, I was triggered to share my experiences of the past year.
When I was in the middle of it a year ago, between the operation and radiotherapy, I didn’t experience breast cancer month at all. In fact: I (fortunately!) know so few women with breast cancer that I never paid special attention to this month. For example, in my fairly extended family, I think I am the first and only one with this diagnosis. Hopefully it stays that way.
I now know from my own experience how much impact this disease has. And it can happen to anyone. I asked my surgeon if there was any way I could have prevented breast cancer and her response was, “Your only chance for less risk was if you had been born male instead of female.”
My world stood still for a moment when I was diagnosed and that also applied for family and friends. I carefully sent a message to my two best friends that I had been examined at the breast cancer hospital. I didn’t want them to worry unnecessarily, but I thought an unexpected out of the blue diagnosis would really hit them on the head. When I got the results soon afterwards, I was afraid to call them because I didn’t trust my own voice so I sent a message in our friends app.
I couldn’t get it over my heart to inform my mother about the results that way, I had to tell her personally. My mother is even more level-headed than I am and it wasn’t a dramatic conversation. Then I also dared to call my sister. That was emotional, but not dramatic. After that I dared to call even more people.
I think in those early days I was in shock and completely unaware of what exactly was going on, how serious it was or what was hanging over my head. Cards, bouquets and friends poured in. Friends said to me ‘I don’t understand how you can sit here so quietly, I would go completely crazy’. But you don’t know that until you experience it yourself.
I certainly wasn’t as tough as some people thought I was and I still am not. I am a go-getter; what has to be done has to be done.
I still don’t have anything to do with doctors and hospitals. Fortunately, my sister does, she works in healthcare and I am very grateful for her support, her good tips, her encouragement and her listening ear.
I don’t know what I expected a year ago, I didn’t even know if I would still be alive today. Of course no one knows that, but without that diagnosis I didn’t really think about mortality. But once there was more clarity about the chance of recovery, I might have expected that I would be further along in my recovery process right now.
Everyone around me has moved on a long time ago and for them August 2019 probably seems like way back. However, I remember everything like it was yesterday and I’m still dealing with the consequences.
My super-athletic friend – in great shape – who experienced the same thing, needed three years to get back to her old self. That has given me some peace; I take each day as it comes and I don’t have to prove myself to anyone.